Breakups...No Heartbreaks

           Breakups...No Heartbreaks It's been a while since I posted my blog about losing my virginity and mentioned that me and my boyfriend at the time broke up shortly afterwards. Coming to that conclusion makes me feel a little typical. Not to many people (those in relationships) stay with their first after the ordeal these days and I’m pretty shocked I turned out to be one of them but I have my good, logical and healthy reasons why I ended my relationship… and why I wasn’t completely heartbroken afterwards.

I know this may seem crazy, but hear me out…

I knew me and my ex weren’t going to be together long. I knew eventually we would come to an end and our spiel would eventually be over. Crazy right? Yeah it is.  Some of you may even be questioning why would I waste my time? Why would I give him my virginity? And do it when I knew I was going to call it quits on us. I have my reasons that all make sense to me and I’m sticking to it.

To me, it was all about closure. It was reading the last page of a book to find out what happens instead of sticking it out and reading the story in between.  I felt like we were just stuck on the first few pages of the book afraid of moving on to see what we could really be. I noticed for the past 10 years I’ve known him, nothing was changing. All the things I didn’t like and I would leave him for, he would “fix” in less than a week and ask me to come back. The problem of course would reintroduce itself. Even though we were young and this was dumb at the time and now that I look back on it, it still didn’t change once we got older. I don’t put the blame completely on him but then again…

Loving someone and being taken for granted, was the rude awakening in the mist of it all. Loving someone so much for so long and see them not care, push you away because they think you’ll always be there when they’re ready, was a hurt piece itself. I truly believe he always thought I wasn’t going to leave and really stick to my word and not come back and it’ll be a year in June since I proved him wrong.

I don’t want to put his business on the internet but lol; he also had problems that he took out on me. He constantly blamed me for the things he did wrong to the point where I would really start to feel like, maybe it is me. And he constantly made me feel like I owed him something. He was manipulative and sometimes never saw his wrong doings. We fought… a lot and it was always about the same things. I tried to be a friend first and help him for his own sake but it didn’t work. Once I called it quits was when he would admit the problem he had but it was too late. I was at my last straw and started to evaluate the situation a little harder. There was nothing he could do or say that would make me go back. I knew he wasn’t the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life and I couldn’t see us being together so I ended it.

The sex, was my conclusion. I needed that for closure. I knew no one other than him (eye roll) would be “worth” having sex with for the first time and no matter what, we loved one another. I just couldn’t not let it be him (double negative intended). And even though the sex was No Bueno, no one else was worth the heartbreak…

The Aftermath

The Shocker…

For a long time, I’ve contemplated if I wanted to share what I’m about to, simply because it’s personal and sort of a private matter. But then I thought to myself, this is what my blog is all about, this is what I created to help girls and other people like myself. At the time I started my blog, I didn’t quite know where it was headed, or where I was headed. I didn’t know if I was going to share a lot of things I’ve done, did or was going to do in the future simply because I didn’t know what the outcomes were going to be. I want to keep this piece very simple and to the point: I did in fact… have sex. Yes, I, the virgin queen, lost my virginity. It’s been a few months now and all I can say is, I’m happy, I’m not at all regretful or ashamed. All I can say is, it was a learning experience, it was life and some people are “upset” and or a little “disappointed.” But let’s look at some of the factors:

1.      It was going to happen someday, I mean I would like to get married and have kids... eventually!

2.      I’m 23 years old.

3.      I didn’t do it with some random person. We’ve known one another for almost 10 years and built a “relationship” but that’s another blog.

4.      It was going to happen someday, I am 23!

To all the people who were routing for me, applauding me for holding out so long, thank you. Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. And for the girls who were virgins, reading and also supporting my blog, don’t give up. Don’t stop waiting if that’s what YOU want. If YOU want to wait until YOU’RE married, then do that. If YOU want to wait for someone who is going to love and admire the ground YOU walk on, not that my ex didn’t, then do that. Don’t feel discouraged because I gave mine away, you have to live for YOU because I did it for me. My boyfriend at the time did not pressure me, he didn’t rush or persuade me. I was ready. Pont, black, period.

The Aftermath…

“Losing” my virginity wasn’t what I expected. For a while and still to this day, I believe and feel like it wasn’t as big of a deal as I made it out to be. I know, I know, after all the blogs that’s been leading up to this moment, don’t be so shocked. I didn’t feel the sentimental effect of it that society and your friends will say you’ll feel. I didn’t feel an emotional attachment which is shocking considering the fact that we formed a relationship afterwards. What I can say is, I did feel happier about us, we got reconnected, and at one point, I guess I did love him a little more as time went on. But not because we had sex, but because I’ve known him practically half my life, and for us to be on a right track for once, I let my guard all the way down. I won’t get into too much detail about why we broke up in this blog, but what I can say for now is, my love for him and us, got taken for granted at least that’s how I feel. But despite that, I still don’t regret my decisions.

Peace and Blessings...

Hoes is Winning Bandwagon

The “Hoes is Winning” Bandwagon

            For a while now I have been hearing the phrase “hoes is (are) winning.” And I haven’t paid any close attention to it until I recently came across another blog a little while ago. What was said in that blog encouraged me to write my own view and thoughts on such a topic that seems to be dominating this generation and it’s starting to become a bother how bad this generation is getting. It kills me to see some girls glorifying and idolizing after strippers, reality TV stars and the “not so unknown” girls marrying rappers and athletes. Now I call them this because you practically see them everywhere being showcased like prize possessions and sometimes the thoughts occur in my head like “I wonder what it is she does”. And I’m sitting here like “my how times have changed.” Because when I was growing up, being anything like a stripper was frowned upon, and now it’s no big deal and slowly but surely becoming a regular 9-5 job.

         When I was growing up, my uncle used to tell me, you should never be a hoe, become a hoe, or something along those lines, because you would only be remembered for being that, and that will never be something people will forget. That was maybe 10 to 12 years ago, I’m 22 now going on 23 and it seems as though he was wrong because “your hoeness can be deleted” –Draya Michelle. Now I’m not the type to pick on people, or “hate” on them, but what I’m about to say, will hopefully open up the eyes to the readers of this blog. Times have changed because people are falling in love with the ideas of these vixens who become famous for being a hoe or doing hoe’ish things. It’s hard for girls to stay focused on what really matters like going or staying in school and actually becoming something that will make a difference. Instead, some of them or probably considering not going to school or getting a job because being a hoe or vixen seems to be better and more praised.

I’m tired of seeing the Lira Galore’s, Blac Chyna’s, Masika’s, the Clermont twins and the Kim K’s, just to name a few, getting praised and show cased like they’re the most influential women in the world when they are nothing more than opportunist. What about Michelle Obama or Oprah Winfrey? Women who went to school, who are brilliant and are actually inspirational. It’s sickening seeing these vixens who has used their bodies or sex to get where they are. Kim K, got famous from a sex tape, but we all knew that and now she’s married to a rapper with two kids, hence the phrase “hoes is winning,” implying because she “was” a hoe, she lucked up and got married…a few times and her mother took her fame and well, you know the rest. Blac Chyna, was a stripper who got pregnant by her rapper boyfriend, and now the new thot on the block (I know this might be mean, but I thought it was funny, and it rhymes) is Lira Galore, a stripper from Philly that’s “engaged” to rapper Rick Ross and even had the thoughts of marrying practically the whole MMG. It’s crazy how rappers use to rap about never “wifing” hoes, to back tracking and eating their words and started “wifing” hoes, and now you got some rappers on Instagram apologizing to, and shouting out the good girls for doing what we’re doing, but then they turn around and go right back to the hoes they once shamed.

And this might not sound as bad as I’m making it seem, but it’s getting out of hand when girls like this call themselves models and actresses-hence, the opportunist. What movie or television show have you made an appearance in? What run way have you walked down? What (high end fashion) magazine have you posed for, other than a magazine that does nothing but show off a body that got you the attention you have now, or used your “sex appeal” to sell their magazine? These girls (because I refuse to call them women), use these traits to get what they want because it’s the easy way out. They use their hoe fame and try to turn it around into cheap clothing lines, makeup lines, and party promotions, with hopes that people will forget where they originally came from.

I’m tired of them using this easy route when women like myself work their asses off in college and are trying to become something that seems to have been played out or not equally praised as being a hoe. And no I’m not mad that I chose college, rather than picked a quick gimmick, I’m glad I did, that’s just the grind I chose and prefer. It’s sad when some girls actually consider becoming these girls because it’s easier and pays quick and use the phrase “Hoes is Winning,” that’s what the problem is, that’s what’s wrong. So I’m here to say, stay in school, stay working and making legit money that you didn’t have to strip or pose nude for, because in about 20-30 years, these girls won’t have anything worth living off of, while us women, will be retired living off our wealth, respect and dignity.

 

The Friend Zone

The Friend Zone is no place anyone wants to be, especially when one friend has a crush on the other. Trust me, I've been there. Which brings us to this blog (hence the name lol). Some people tend to believe that no man and woman can be friends or best friends or anything more than acquaintances for that matter. I didn't have belief in this at first, not until I experienced it first hand. I had plenty of male friends in high school and now in college. I believe that being friends with a male, a certain vibe has to exist where the both of you have already established in your minds (privately) that nothing will happen between the two of you. You have to have no feelings, flirtations, of any sort in your friendship for it to be a successful one. I now know there is no such thing as a friendship where flirting plays along, that just doesn't happen. And I know that sounds weird but trust me, I just learned a very voluble lesson.
I will do my best to keep this brief...
When I was in high school, I became friends with this guy. Our friendship started out a little flirtatious in my opinion. As the years came and went, we remained very good friends, and even became what I would call best friends who just happened to flirt... a lot with one another. I, at the time was blind to it; I didn't have feelings for him what so ever at that time (notice I said "at that time"). I literally looked at our situation as harmless flirting...until the situation became harmful. When I came home on my breaks from college, he would be one of the first people to call me, and to come over. We would chill, and well, continue to do other things people who are "just friends" shouldn't do. To clear the air, it wasn't anything to sexual. For instance, we cuddled, touched and saw things we shouldn't have. I guess that kind of is sexual, so lets just say no sexual activity occurred. Things like this continued until I was forced to believe that maybe, just maybe, I started to develop a crush on him. Of course I shared everything with my other two best friends, Daria and Keyona who knew him. They believed he liked me and told me long ago, but I didn't believe it, couldn't believe it.
Until the unexpected happened.
One night on the phone for hours, nothing unusual. We got to talking about someone who I did like back from high school who I've dealt with, but that's another story. And the only reason as to why he knew the other guy is because we all graduated high school together, and they became really good friends as well. I use to vent to friend zone guy about the other guy which I feel bad about now. But anyway, while on the phone I kind of forced him to tell me what he meant about something he had said. He ended up confessing that he liked me. The next day, I was still shocked and surprised but I ended up telling him about my feelings as well, which now I feel was a mistake. Because here I am, confessing these things to someone who still wanted to remain just friends. I've always had problems expressing my feelings to people, so to finally find someone I can confide in, share these things with him and get turned down, doesn't sit well, it put me in a weird position. Especially because we were friends first. I had given him the ultimatum to act on our feelings or remain friends and he had chosen the second option. I kind of hoped for the first, but reality has a habit of kicking me in the ass. His reason was because of the other guy I dealt with, his friend which I kind of understood.
The weird position I was left in, had me so confused as to what I wanted to do with this. Half of me knew I couldn't be friends with someone I still had feelings for, I would read into everything he said as more than what he would mean. I couldn't do that to myself. But still I couldn't just let a five year friendship go down the drain. In the beginning of the summer, I tried to be just friends with him, I tried really hard. I even told him we couldn't do the things we once did as "friends," and that we had to be just that. But did that work... hell no it didn't. The same ol' things continued to happen, my feelings began to grow because he, knowing what I said, still continued to do the things we couldn't do. We even started kissing. What friends do you know kiss? On the lips? More than once? Yeah exactly. I came to a tough conclusion that we were playing games with one another, but I'd be the loser in the end...as always. So one night I told him, I needed a break from him. He was literally causing me a heart break. I needed to get over him and that this wouldn't happen over night. August 10th made it two months since that night, since we spoke.
Does it hurt? Yeah. It hurts even more when you're explaining this situation to someone and they don't understand how you feel. I literally felt like this was going to happen for me. That I had finally saw the good man he could have been for me. He was perfect. A gentleman, my family loved him, my mom and aunt even saw how good he treated me when he came around. I thought he would have been the one. That after all these years, after all the guys I dealt with, all the assholes, all the time wasted, I felt like I was finally seeing what God had placed in front of me, but just kidding.

In life, I learn everything the hard way. I don't know why that is, but I do. Now I don't know what to do. I wanted to reach out to him, but why should I? I've been through enough. I miss him dearly, I miss our friendship but not the confusion it came with. Will we ever be friends again? I don't know because it was a toxic friendship from the moment he told me how he felt. But even before then, secrets were being kept. And I know this sounds bad but I question if we were even friends to begin with. If this situation has taught me one thing, it would be to understand the friend zone. Once you are in it, there's no safe way of coming out of it. The friend zone is no place to be with someone if you even have had the slightest crush, the slightest thought of seeing yourself with someone as more than friends with them.
So can someone be just friends with the opposite sex? I vote yes and no. It all depends on your situation. So be careful when it comes to putting someone in the friend zone.

SHARE ANY COMMENTS YOU MIGHT HAVE. ALL COMMENTS CAN BE POSTED AS ANONYMOUS. Thanks for reading...

Being a Virgin in 2015

 It's been almost two years since I published the blog "Being a Virgin in 2013," and it has become one of my most successful blogs ever since I've created Virginity Forreal. Now two years later, nothing has changed. I'm still holding on to my "Gold" (view blog "A Golden Girls Letter). I'm 22 years old, almost a senior in college, and my views and thoughts about sex, has not changed much. I still believe in waiting for someone who understands me as a person, and understands what I stand for when it comes to the decisions I've made.

People tend to not understand how hard being a virgin really is, especially of today's generation. With all of the things these girls let the these guys get away with, it's hard to trust and find a self-respecting man, let a lone one who respects a woman. They believe in what one girl is like, the next one will be like that too. This generation has nothing but quick money scheme boys who will buy you a quick meal from McDonalds but only if you're willing to have sex with him first. And the way I see it, it's low budget prostitution. And some girls are the same way. We got girls who want boys to buy them this bag or these shoes before they have sex with him. It's like that's the only way to show some appreciation for buying her something; like that's her only way of saying thank you. There's nothing wrong with a man buying something for his girl, that's not what I'm saying, but it's something wrong when I have to have sex with you when I want to spend some quality time with you, or grab a bite to eat. There's something wrong when a girl can only show her thanks to someone by sleeping with them. Whatever happened to a man wanting to get to know a woman by taking her out to dinner? Whatever happened to simple dating? What happened to men being men, doing something because you want to, not because you know it'll get you some guaranteed sex. I know sex is important, and a big part of life, I get that, but when will people stop using it as some sort of exchange for something that's less of it's value?

So when people ask me why haven't I had sex yet, or what I'm waiting for, I'll be glad to tell them I'm waiting for a man. One who wants to get to know me, my mind and what goals I have for myself. And people might read this and think "you're only saying this because you don't know how good sex can be." And you could be absolutely right, but I know there's a possibility that the sex could be even better when we know we're right for one another. (Stay tuned for "The Friend Zone" blog coming next).

That Awkward Moment When You Almost Lose Your Virginity...

I feel like I have to admit I was a little hesitant on writing this blog. I was contemplating on letting what happened stay between me and the person it happened with as well as my best friends. But being the writer I am, and the writer I want to be, I feel like I not only owe it to my readers, but to myself and my future career. I truly believe that all my blogs serve a purpose, whether it be for me or someone else. I never write for the hell of it. This is going to be a long story but I’ll try to shorten it the best way I can by leaving out details that doesn’t need to be shared. So here we go…

I know my mom’s mind is everywhere right now reading this lol.
      I don’t know what had upset me more the night this “ordeal” happened as I cried in Daria’s (my best friend) arms. It was like I couldn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together in time to try and explain it to her, let alone myself and I’m the one it happened to.
           To clear the air, for one I wasn’t forced to do anything that I’m about to say, everything happened because I allowed it to, I had TOTAL control over the situation.
           To make a long story kind of short, the three of us, Daria, Keyona (our other best friend) and I, decided to chill with a friend who we had all went to high school with, this friend had another friend that took an interest in me. He was not a complete stranger as he too went to the school we all attended. He was just someone you saw but never really talked too, and this is how it was for me, I always saw him in school but we never conversed. The first night we hung out with them, we were all drinking, and the guy and I had got friendly with one another. Throughout the night he somehow got the impression that I wanted to sleep with him (I didn’t) and I guess it did seem that way because once I started flirting, I kept on flirting. But that’s all it ever was, FLIRTING. At the end of this night the guy and I exchanged numbers, talked that night, the next day and maybe the day after that. Of course one of those conversations was to get me come over his house alone, but I didn’t.

            About two weeks later, we went back over to hang out with the guys. We drank some more, this time I got a little more buzzed than before but once all the music stopped playing and things seemed to settle down, so did I. I was in my complete normal state of mind by this point. I WAS IN MY COMPLETE NORMAL STATE OF MIND. Once the night began to seep into late morning hours, he tried to get me to go upstairs but I didn’t the first couple times he asked me. One of the times I told him if I did go upstairs we wouldn’t do anything. Having the thought that he understood this, I ended up going upstairs anyway… BIG MISTAKE.

           Once I got upstairs, we talked briefly before clothes were removed and condoms were being unwrapped. At this moment I froze and literally thought this was really about to happen. He wasn’t trying to waste any time. I was feeling anxious, but not the kind where I couldn’t wait for it to happen if that makes any sense. I felt more like I can’t believe it’s about to happen, what should I do and a little hesitant. Once he attempted to infiltrate me a second time, I stopped him. After gathering my clothes, I attempted to leave. But instead we started talking about why and how I wasn’t ready. I tried to explain something extremely difficult to him, and even to myself. It’s like I know why I can’t do this yet, but I haven’t completely said it out loud to myself, so trying to explain it to him, even though I didn’t have to, but I felt like I should have, considering the fact I gave him the impression that this was really going to happen once I allowed him to continue doing what was happening, was hard. (Run on sentence I know).
                Once I got back downstairs where Daria had begun to fall asleep, I was extremely speechless at what happened, at how it happened and the shock that came over me, left me puzzled. Puzzled because we just came over to chill, I never expected any of this to happen. We attempted to leave. We got down to his basement where Daria began to explain it to Keyona after I tried my best to explain it to her. After about 10 minutes of me sitting in total silence, I went back up stairs. EVEN BIGGER MISTAKE. I ran back upstairs and I checked on him to see if he was cool because of the state I left him in. We started talking again and the mood sat in and I let him remove my clothes again. I let him try to infiltrate me again. But once again, I stopped him, gathered my clothes, redressed and left.
                I returned back to Daria, told her what happened and cried in her arms. At this moment, I felt like I wanted it to happen because otherwise I would have left the first time, and I really was ready but I couldn’t let it because he wasn’t right, the time wasn’t right, nothing was right. WE JUST CAME OVER TO CHILL. I didn’t expect it to be played out like some perfect unrealistic fairytale, I just knew that I shouldn’t let it 

happen. I barely knew who he was. All I knew was his name and the fact that we went to the same school. If some type of feelings came into play, they were there because of the mood and atmosphere. All of this happened so fast I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I never knew any of this was going to happen,
               Earlier this day, Daria, Keyona and I had a conversation about my curiosity with sex. I think I let him get as far as I did because I WAS curious. I feel like something allowed me to cure my curiosity just a little bit to ease my wonders. I regret nothing. I just wish it would have happened on different circumstances. Like I wish we actually were something, that we knew each other more. Now he will always be the boy that almost took my virginity. And it’s so weird because what made him so special to get so far with me, so fast, so soon, is just something I don’t understand.
             The purpose of this blog was to show that there are times where you let curiosity get the best of you, that’s what happened to me. If you want a sample of something, know your limit. I’m not saying that if you’re a virgin, to go get a guy, tell him to stick it in a little and then stop before it goes all the way in, no. I’m saying, think before you let him or the situation go a little further. Test the waters, entertain him a little bit to see what his intentions are. Do your research on him and never rely on a feeling that’ll pass a week from now. Know for sure if you want this to happen. Never believe the “game” that a guy tries to spit to you no matter what he tells you. If he wants you as bad as he makes it seem, then tell him to prove himself. But make sure he’s being genuine and not pretending to be what you want just so you can give him what he wants. There’s no guarantee that you’ll know because looks can be deceiving, you just have to make that decision, and trust your making the right one. And if this happens to you and he doesn’t take your no for an answer, in my mom’s words “kick him.” A little sample will never hurt you as long as you understand this. It’s all about self-control and self-discipline. You’re just getting your feet wet before you completely jump into the cold water (wink wink).

So Its Been a Year

 

     So this will be brief... 

      So it’s been a year (and some days) since I started VirginityForreal101, and it’s pretty unbelievable how fast time really goes. About 2 weeks ago, I just sat up late one night and re-read all the blogs I’ve written, not because I was bored or anything, but because I wanted to see if I still felt the same about the decisions I’ve made, to see if I’ve learned lessons I tend to have taught myself when it came to boys, life, and well… my virginity, and to see what I’ve been through, through an actual readers perspective if that makes since. I can honestly say that I do feel the same, I can say that I’m glad I dealt with everything just fine because I don’t sit here today and regret anything, and I don’t feel like I should’ve did something differently. I’ve matured a little, and I learned from some mistakes like not going over a boys room with one mindset, and he has another that's completely different. Next time I’ll get to know him better, and his intentions which I don’t like to think are all the same when it comes to boys, but so far no one has proved me right, so we’ll see how it goes. And just for the record, I might have mentioned this before but I don’t like to think that all boys are the same, but I sort of think they all have the same intentions, they just go about it differently, and that’s the scary part. But that’s another blog.

       As I sit here and write this blog, I’m sitting down in my new apartment, ready to take on my junior year of college. I can’t wait to start classes, and start working again. I also can’t wait to see what this year has in store for me when it comes to my academics. Right now I’m not to worried about boys, because that's what they are… boys. Its like you can’t take college boys to serious these days and especially in this generation, because they all come up here, and getting sex is all they tend to care about, and that’s not what I’m ready to engage in. So until then, stay tuned because I’m pretty sure entertaining some boy will most likely happen, because life happens, and when it does, you all will be the first to know...