That Awkward Moment When You Almost Lose Your Virginity...

I feel like I have to admit I was a little hesitant on writing this blog. I was contemplating on letting what happened stay between me and the person it happened with as well as my best friends. But being the writer I am, and the writer I want to be, I feel like I not only owe it to my readers, but to myself and my future career. I truly believe that all my blogs serve a purpose, whether it be for me or someone else. I never write for the hell of it. This is going to be a long story but I’ll try to shorten it the best way I can by leaving out details that doesn’t need to be shared. So here we go…

I know my mom’s mind is everywhere right now reading this lol.
      I don’t know what had upset me more the night this “ordeal” happened as I cried in Daria’s (my best friend) arms. It was like I couldn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together in time to try and explain it to her, let alone myself and I’m the one it happened to.
           To clear the air, for one I wasn’t forced to do anything that I’m about to say, everything happened because I allowed it to, I had TOTAL control over the situation.
           To make a long story kind of short, the three of us, Daria, Keyona (our other best friend) and I, decided to chill with a friend who we had all went to high school with, this friend had another friend that took an interest in me. He was not a complete stranger as he too went to the school we all attended. He was just someone you saw but never really talked too, and this is how it was for me, I always saw him in school but we never conversed. The first night we hung out with them, we were all drinking, and the guy and I had got friendly with one another. Throughout the night he somehow got the impression that I wanted to sleep with him (I didn’t) and I guess it did seem that way because once I started flirting, I kept on flirting. But that’s all it ever was, FLIRTING. At the end of this night the guy and I exchanged numbers, talked that night, the next day and maybe the day after that. Of course one of those conversations was to get me come over his house alone, but I didn’t.

            About two weeks later, we went back over to hang out with the guys. We drank some more, this time I got a little more buzzed than before but once all the music stopped playing and things seemed to settle down, so did I. I was in my complete normal state of mind by this point. I WAS IN MY COMPLETE NORMAL STATE OF MIND. Once the night began to seep into late morning hours, he tried to get me to go upstairs but I didn’t the first couple times he asked me. One of the times I told him if I did go upstairs we wouldn’t do anything. Having the thought that he understood this, I ended up going upstairs anyway… BIG MISTAKE.

           Once I got upstairs, we talked briefly before clothes were removed and condoms were being unwrapped. At this moment I froze and literally thought this was really about to happen. He wasn’t trying to waste any time. I was feeling anxious, but not the kind where I couldn’t wait for it to happen if that makes any sense. I felt more like I can’t believe it’s about to happen, what should I do and a little hesitant. Once he attempted to infiltrate me a second time, I stopped him. After gathering my clothes, I attempted to leave. But instead we started talking about why and how I wasn’t ready. I tried to explain something extremely difficult to him, and even to myself. It’s like I know why I can’t do this yet, but I haven’t completely said it out loud to myself, so trying to explain it to him, even though I didn’t have to, but I felt like I should have, considering the fact I gave him the impression that this was really going to happen once I allowed him to continue doing what was happening, was hard. (Run on sentence I know).
                Once I got back downstairs where Daria had begun to fall asleep, I was extremely speechless at what happened, at how it happened and the shock that came over me, left me puzzled. Puzzled because we just came over to chill, I never expected any of this to happen. We attempted to leave. We got down to his basement where Daria began to explain it to Keyona after I tried my best to explain it to her. After about 10 minutes of me sitting in total silence, I went back up stairs. EVEN BIGGER MISTAKE. I ran back upstairs and I checked on him to see if he was cool because of the state I left him in. We started talking again and the mood sat in and I let him remove my clothes again. I let him try to infiltrate me again. But once again, I stopped him, gathered my clothes, redressed and left.
                I returned back to Daria, told her what happened and cried in her arms. At this moment, I felt like I wanted it to happen because otherwise I would have left the first time, and I really was ready but I couldn’t let it because he wasn’t right, the time wasn’t right, nothing was right. WE JUST CAME OVER TO CHILL. I didn’t expect it to be played out like some perfect unrealistic fairytale, I just knew that I shouldn’t let it 

happen. I barely knew who he was. All I knew was his name and the fact that we went to the same school. If some type of feelings came into play, they were there because of the mood and atmosphere. All of this happened so fast I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I never knew any of this was going to happen,
               Earlier this day, Daria, Keyona and I had a conversation about my curiosity with sex. I think I let him get as far as I did because I WAS curious. I feel like something allowed me to cure my curiosity just a little bit to ease my wonders. I regret nothing. I just wish it would have happened on different circumstances. Like I wish we actually were something, that we knew each other more. Now he will always be the boy that almost took my virginity. And it’s so weird because what made him so special to get so far with me, so fast, so soon, is just something I don’t understand.
             The purpose of this blog was to show that there are times where you let curiosity get the best of you, that’s what happened to me. If you want a sample of something, know your limit. I’m not saying that if you’re a virgin, to go get a guy, tell him to stick it in a little and then stop before it goes all the way in, no. I’m saying, think before you let him or the situation go a little further. Test the waters, entertain him a little bit to see what his intentions are. Do your research on him and never rely on a feeling that’ll pass a week from now. Know for sure if you want this to happen. Never believe the “game” that a guy tries to spit to you no matter what he tells you. If he wants you as bad as he makes it seem, then tell him to prove himself. But make sure he’s being genuine and not pretending to be what you want just so you can give him what he wants. There’s no guarantee that you’ll know because looks can be deceiving, you just have to make that decision, and trust your making the right one. And if this happens to you and he doesn’t take your no for an answer, in my mom’s words “kick him.” A little sample will never hurt you as long as you understand this. It’s all about self-control and self-discipline. You’re just getting your feet wet before you completely jump into the cold water (wink wink).