Is Pride All you Have?

            Pride. Something that we didn’t even know existed when we were 12 and 13 years old, at least not for the meaning we know it as today. Too young to have something to hold us back from calling, texting, or talking to the boy or girl we had a crush on in elementary school, yeah we were nervous but excitement took over that once our friends ran off and told the guy about our crush. We never think too hard about pressure, which seemed nonexistent back then; when we have dealt with those kinds of things. We didn’t care about being “played” or having to worry about getting are feelings to hurt or anything like that because we were all just kids. At least this was how I felt when I was younger. Back then I had no problems telling my friends I liked a certain person, I didn’t get scared when they’d run off and tell them. I had so much confidence back then. I never thought twice about calling boys, or talking to them, hell, I had no problem expressing the feelings my 13 year old behind thought I had.

            But once I grew up, once things started to change, once things became something they once weren’t, I began to learn what pride was, what pride is. In this generation pride no longer represents being happy you’ve accomplished something, or take “pride” in your relationship even though someone thinks you’re better off. Now it has become something like a status; you are too good to do something, as if it was below you. For example, “My pride won’t allow me to text or call him first.” People say things like this because in previous situations, they’ve been hurt to the point where they can no longer trust someone else, and because they are afraid to trust again, the next person will never have them to their full potential, they have become scared of getting played, and in the end, someone gets hurt, pride gets involved and it becomes another never ending cycle.

            I can’t remember the exact time I began to establish my pride. I can’t recall the time I started to get scared to call boys or tell them how I really felt about them. However, it had to be sometime between the transition to eighth grade and high school, when we all have our noses stuck up our asses and we walk around like our shit doesn’t stink, and up until this exact moment to. I’m a college Junior and yeah I should be “living it up and throwing it at people”, but I have too much PRIDE in my accomplishment, keeping my virginity. (See what I did there).  I’ve lost a lot of faith in boys and relationships. Once the people started to change, and I started to get nervous when my friends found out who I liked, once love got a new meaning and relationships had become something for more of a different purpose, I lost my interest. Things aren’t how they’re supposed to be and it’s hard to deal with, especially when you think you belong in a different generation, but what can you do? 

            Have I lost confidence in myself? And now I have this egotistical pride that I let hold me back from just going for it? Have people used pride as an excuse to hide their lack of confidence? Or has this generation became a world full of critics and now things that use to didn’t matter, became the most important things when you’re looking for that “significant other”?  But how could that be when those are unrealistic desires?

            I don’t know what it is, but pride isn’t a good thing anymore and I wish it was something that never plays a part in my life, but when you have been hurt, your pride is all you have left to help you from stop being hurt, or allowing yourself to become vulnerable in situations.

Someone told me there’s a difference between having pride, and having your guard up. I think I’m stuck in between the middle. Pride, (based on this generations constructed meaning) because calling and texting boys, it’s not that I think I’m above that, it’s just I know what I deserve and why waste my time with something or someone that doesn’t fit into that picture, I’m above settling for something less than what I deserve. My guard is always up and it does stop me from doing some things, I’ll be the first to admit that. When I give people chances, they make me put my guard up when something shifts and something changes and they start acting funny. I know how to fall back. I know how to stop thinking and caring about you, I know how to put my guard up, block you from my mind and I know how to put my pride back into place.