Finally Realizing What's Real

            I just realized something about my last blog, The “Oh Baby I’m Using You” entry, and I feel like I didn’t think it through enough to settle on how I really feel. Like, I didn’t realize what I realize now.  Maybe because I sat back and looked at the person I was talking about and I realized that in that blog, I said he would be the perfect one for me, but I didn’t see it fully grasp it like that then, and I’m glad it’s not too late. Not that I take back my words on using people, and yes it is wrong, but I realize that he is a good person, and I feel like I finally found what I’ve been looking for. I think I feel bad about using him the way I have been and I realized, he doesn’t deserve it, and no one else does either, but life is all about learning, right?

          I feel like I’ve been running from something that I need, something that is good for me, someone that is good for me. And like I said in my last blog, he would be the perfect one, but why did I ever feel like I wouldn’t want it to be taken to the next level if I knew it would be right for me.  Why did it seem like I was running away from something good.

          As people, I think when we finally find someone or something that’s good for us, we run away from it because we are so use to the bad; we are hesitant when it comes to something good. It’s like we rather take the bad, cause that’s all we know, it's easier to handle or something to keep us busy in a way, and finally giving the good or something new a chance, would be hard because we don’t know what to do with it. I finally realized that this is exactly what I’ve been through. All the guys that I’ve known over the years and had gone through so much with, I got used to it, all I knew were guys that caused headaches and heartbreaks, they were all back to back and I never had been introduced to something good in between until now. But for some reason, I didn’t want it, I didn’t want anything to do with it, and this is a problem.

          For the first time in my life, I finally found someone who I’m not afraid to be myself with. I’m not scared to make myself look silly because I know he won’t judge or find me awkward and weird, instead it’s funny and silly and we laugh. I find it easy to express how I feel without overstepping the placement of what we are; I don’t have to be worried about making a fool of myself or feel like I'm being played. With everyone else, I was always afraid of being who I am, silly, funny, and crazy (in a good way of course). It’s like I enjoyed being mad at myself for allowing me to be so naïve. That I found it okay to continue to put myself through pain when I knew I deserved something better, and now that I finally found it, I rather play around with it instead of finally realizing that this is what I’ve been wanting, and waiting for.

I feel like we don’t like challenge so we all stick to something that’s already learned and easy, we take the easy way out in life and never give difference a try. When we don’t know what to do with a challenge, we give up on it. We let society impact our lives and decision making. If someone doesn’t fit the standard of what society has constructed about the way people should look, we don’t pay that person any mind regardless if they have the exact personality traits we look for in the people that we do want. We’ll find someone that’s cute, that’s physically attractive and has everything on the outside that’s appealing to the eyes and leave out what’s appealing to our hearts. We’ll stick with this person if he/she looks good, but we’ll play games or even no mind to the ones that’s treating us the way we deserve to be treated and I am guilty of this. All the guys I talked about previously in this blog were all decent looking people, but the one that treats me right is kind of decent looking, but not the one you’ll choose out the crowd.

          I’m ready to forget about what people will think, because I’ll admit others opinions of what they’ll think of the people I deal with has impacted my thoughts. Not saying that I'm ready for a relationship, because I'm not but I am finally ready to show off to the world that this person treats me right, this is all that matters, and never go back to anything different, or less than what I deserve.