Is Pride All you Have?

            Pride. Something that we didn’t even know existed when we were 12 and 13 years old, at least not for the meaning we know it as today. Too young to have something to hold us back from calling, texting, or talking to the boy or girl we had a crush on in elementary school, yeah we were nervous but excitement took over that once our friends ran off and told the guy about our crush. We never think too hard about pressure, which seemed nonexistent back then; when we have dealt with those kinds of things. We didn’t care about being “played” or having to worry about getting are feelings to hurt or anything like that because we were all just kids. At least this was how I felt when I was younger. Back then I had no problems telling my friends I liked a certain person, I didn’t get scared when they’d run off and tell them. I had so much confidence back then. I never thought twice about calling boys, or talking to them, hell, I had no problem expressing the feelings my 13 year old behind thought I had.

            But once I grew up, once things started to change, once things became something they once weren’t, I began to learn what pride was, what pride is. In this generation pride no longer represents being happy you’ve accomplished something, or take “pride” in your relationship even though someone thinks you’re better off. Now it has become something like a status; you are too good to do something, as if it was below you. For example, “My pride won’t allow me to text or call him first.” People say things like this because in previous situations, they’ve been hurt to the point where they can no longer trust someone else, and because they are afraid to trust again, the next person will never have them to their full potential, they have become scared of getting played, and in the end, someone gets hurt, pride gets involved and it becomes another never ending cycle.

            I can’t remember the exact time I began to establish my pride. I can’t recall the time I started to get scared to call boys or tell them how I really felt about them. However, it had to be sometime between the transition to eighth grade and high school, when we all have our noses stuck up our asses and we walk around like our shit doesn’t stink, and up until this exact moment to. I’m a college Junior and yeah I should be “living it up and throwing it at people”, but I have too much PRIDE in my accomplishment, keeping my virginity. (See what I did there).  I’ve lost a lot of faith in boys and relationships. Once the people started to change, and I started to get nervous when my friends found out who I liked, once love got a new meaning and relationships had become something for more of a different purpose, I lost my interest. Things aren’t how they’re supposed to be and it’s hard to deal with, especially when you think you belong in a different generation, but what can you do? 

            Have I lost confidence in myself? And now I have this egotistical pride that I let hold me back from just going for it? Have people used pride as an excuse to hide their lack of confidence? Or has this generation became a world full of critics and now things that use to didn’t matter, became the most important things when you’re looking for that “significant other”?  But how could that be when those are unrealistic desires?

            I don’t know what it is, but pride isn’t a good thing anymore and I wish it was something that never plays a part in my life, but when you have been hurt, your pride is all you have left to help you from stop being hurt, or allowing yourself to become vulnerable in situations.

Someone told me there’s a difference between having pride, and having your guard up. I think I’m stuck in between the middle. Pride, (based on this generations constructed meaning) because calling and texting boys, it’s not that I think I’m above that, it’s just I know what I deserve and why waste my time with something or someone that doesn’t fit into that picture, I’m above settling for something less than what I deserve. My guard is always up and it does stop me from doing some things, I’ll be the first to admit that. When I give people chances, they make me put my guard up when something shifts and something changes and they start acting funny. I know how to fall back. I know how to stop thinking and caring about you, I know how to put my guard up, block you from my mind and I know how to put my pride back into place.

Finally Realizing What's Real

            I just realized something about my last blog, The “Oh Baby I’m Using You” entry, and I feel like I didn’t think it through enough to settle on how I really feel. Like, I didn’t realize what I realize now.  Maybe because I sat back and looked at the person I was talking about and I realized that in that blog, I said he would be the perfect one for me, but I didn’t see it fully grasp it like that then, and I’m glad it’s not too late. Not that I take back my words on using people, and yes it is wrong, but I realize that he is a good person, and I feel like I finally found what I’ve been looking for. I think I feel bad about using him the way I have been and I realized, he doesn’t deserve it, and no one else does either, but life is all about learning, right?

          I feel like I’ve been running from something that I need, something that is good for me, someone that is good for me. And like I said in my last blog, he would be the perfect one, but why did I ever feel like I wouldn’t want it to be taken to the next level if I knew it would be right for me.  Why did it seem like I was running away from something good.

          As people, I think when we finally find someone or something that’s good for us, we run away from it because we are so use to the bad; we are hesitant when it comes to something good. It’s like we rather take the bad, cause that’s all we know, it's easier to handle or something to keep us busy in a way, and finally giving the good or something new a chance, would be hard because we don’t know what to do with it. I finally realized that this is exactly what I’ve been through. All the guys that I’ve known over the years and had gone through so much with, I got used to it, all I knew were guys that caused headaches and heartbreaks, they were all back to back and I never had been introduced to something good in between until now. But for some reason, I didn’t want it, I didn’t want anything to do with it, and this is a problem.

          For the first time in my life, I finally found someone who I’m not afraid to be myself with. I’m not scared to make myself look silly because I know he won’t judge or find me awkward and weird, instead it’s funny and silly and we laugh. I find it easy to express how I feel without overstepping the placement of what we are; I don’t have to be worried about making a fool of myself or feel like I'm being played. With everyone else, I was always afraid of being who I am, silly, funny, and crazy (in a good way of course). It’s like I enjoyed being mad at myself for allowing me to be so naïve. That I found it okay to continue to put myself through pain when I knew I deserved something better, and now that I finally found it, I rather play around with it instead of finally realizing that this is what I’ve been wanting, and waiting for.

I feel like we don’t like challenge so we all stick to something that’s already learned and easy, we take the easy way out in life and never give difference a try. When we don’t know what to do with a challenge, we give up on it. We let society impact our lives and decision making. If someone doesn’t fit the standard of what society has constructed about the way people should look, we don’t pay that person any mind regardless if they have the exact personality traits we look for in the people that we do want. We’ll find someone that’s cute, that’s physically attractive and has everything on the outside that’s appealing to the eyes and leave out what’s appealing to our hearts. We’ll stick with this person if he/she looks good, but we’ll play games or even no mind to the ones that’s treating us the way we deserve to be treated and I am guilty of this. All the guys I talked about previously in this blog were all decent looking people, but the one that treats me right is kind of decent looking, but not the one you’ll choose out the crowd.

          I’m ready to forget about what people will think, because I’ll admit others opinions of what they’ll think of the people I deal with has impacted my thoughts. Not saying that I'm ready for a relationship, because I'm not but I am finally ready to show off to the world that this person treats me right, this is all that matters, and never go back to anything different, or less than what I deserve.

           

"Oh Baby, I'm Using You"

            Usually when I take like breaks like this, it’s because I’m getting my thoughts together for my next blog entry. And I’m making sure my thoughts are clear and understandable for my readers. I’m also making sure I can thoroughly explain my points and justify my reasons of whatever I’m about to write or explain. And by now, you all (my readers) should know I write what I know, I write about real life situations and real life feelings and experiences because I know somewhere out there feels the same and I’m not the only one going through what I go through, and that’s one of the major reasons why I blog, to reach out to others, letting them know you’re not alone, and that somewhere out there, someone is going through the same thing.

So with all that being said, let’s dive into the point of this here blog entry with a question you can ask yourselves

 

Have you ever liked (and I use the word “like” loosely for my own feelings) someone, and know they could be the “perfect one” for you, but in your mind you know you don’t want any more from that person than you already have?

 

Let’s simplify that a little more: Have you ever liked someone that you could build the “perfect” relationship with, but you don’t want them in that way?

         Like you sit and wonder about this person and how you two could have a strong relationship with and all the good stuff, and it’s just something about them that makes them out to be the right one for you, but for some reason, you just don’t see that happening, you just don’t feel it. You know everyone around you like your friends, family etc, would love them and see that they’re right for you, but you don’t feel it.

          Well, if you haven’t figured it out already, of course I feel this way about someone I’ve been dealing with. We’ve been “friends” a little more than a usual friendship but nothing that got serious. I like him enough to continue with what we have or with what it is but I just don’t see it going anywhere. It has crossed my mind more than once if it would be taken to the next level but I don’t even think I like him that way, which is confusing in some ways because why do I like him enough to do what it is we do, but not enough to make it serious. Sometimes I think I’m too afraid to admit it myself the reason why I don’t like him in that way. I know that it only matters what I think of him and that as long as I “like” him, there shouldn’t be a problem, but sometimes when you know people rely on physical appearance and material things, deep down, it stops you from moving forward with your own decision. Not that I want a relationship with him in anyway, but I’m just saying.

            Why is it that we allow ourselves to do things with people knowing that we don’t intend to take it to another level? Like the way some boys only have intentions to have sex with girls knowing they don’t want a relationship with her. It’s like we’re okay with just using people for the things we need them for and we seem to be okay with it. And it’s not okay because if we really think about it, we wouldn’t be okay if we knew that someone was just using us for something, we would just cut it off with him or her and that’d be the end of it. But for some reason we continue to do what we do, we choose to ignore it all.

            I know why I use this guy for what I use him for, yeah it may be wrong but at the end of the day, I don’t know his real feelings towards me or if he even feels anything. If I did, I most likely wouldn’t use him for what I use him for. Maybe he uses me for something in which I wouldn’t know what it would be, maybe he just uses me for me, he just likes the fact that we talk and that he has “someone”. I would never know unless he tells me. And I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know if he feels anything because I only want what it is we have.

When Being A Virgin BitesYou In The Ass

            As we grow up, were always told “Never judge a book by its cover.” It’s a lesson we always hear but never really listen to. And like many others, I’m guilty of this. You meet someone new and in the back of your mind you’re deciding who this person is, or what you think their like. Sometimes people are right, but I’m always wrong. I don’t read people as well as others might, and sometimes this gets me in trouble…

          So there’s this guy that’s been eyeing me since freshman year, he has tried to talk to me a few times but I never really paid him any attention. We would see each other here and there; give each other the googlie eyes and what not, and that’d be it. Until this semester, I finally got his number. Now the reason why I paid him any attention in the first place was because to me, he didn’t look like the typical guy (BIG MISTAKE to even think that) you know the ones that only want to (fill in the blank). So I decided to go for it, I mean why not. As a woman, you need just a little male attention here and there. I’m single, tired of being around females all day every day and I could use a guy to talk to, so why not? So my friend and I are chilling in her room deciding if I should text him, I originally wanted to wait until the next day, but she encouraged me to text him right then and there, so I did: “This is Melony, save my number,” A real simple way to get things going here. He replied when he felt like it (the next night). I knew from that moment this wasn’t going to go so well, but I continued to entertain it anyway. Friday night when he texted back telling me to “slide through” his dorm, my phone was dying so I wasn’t able to reply.
          Saturday, my friends and I went to an apartment off campus to a small kick-back, say around 11’oclock-ish. We’re chilling and having a good time, I get a text message from him asking me what I was doing, where I was at, basically a little small talk for him to lead his way into asking me to come over. One of my friends was getting tired and wanted to head back to campus, I knew at this moment I had to make the decision on if I wanted to go to his room, so that we could walk back to campus together. At this time it was a little pass 12’oclock. In my head I knew this was a booty call but I wanted to be in the company of a male. The friend that I was walking back to campus with, told me not to go, she kept telling me “don’t go, don’t go, he’s only going to try to “hit” (Hit- have sex). I didn’t listen…
          It’s about 1 am when I get to his room. He puts on a movie (this is a move everybody knows and knows that you don’t ever really watch that movie. This is called the “cap-up”). We lay down and within five minutes he starts making his move. After a few minutes of fondling, I told him I was a virgin, he told me that “that was what’s up” and asked me what I was waiting for. A question I’m asked a lot, and often find myself dumbfounded in hesitation, I just replied “I didn’t know”, it had seemed easier. For the rest of the night, we just chilled and fell asleep. When I left the next morning, it was awkward and I knew that “this” was no longer a “this.” Feb. 8^th it’ll be 2 weeks since that night and 2 weeks without us texting and even speaking to each other, and a week and some days since finding out he’s mad because he didn’t “hit” but who’s counting. I’ve noticed now that he avoids eye contact with me when we see each other, before all this I use to catch him staring at me all the time, now it’s like nothing ever happened.

           Being a virgin bites you in the ass sometimes because of three reasons. 1. Nobody wants to be “bothered” with you because it’s a chance you’re not giving it up. 2. Nobody cares you’re a virgin, they just want to hit. Or 3, Your always left dumbfounded in hesitation when people ask you what your waiting for. My best friend once told me “Sometimes you have to realize that all boys are not the same, but believe the majority all have the same intentions, no matter how they go about it, at the end of the day, they want only one thing.” For me, I should have already figured this out a very long time ago, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t like judging people, especially boys when it comes to this type of thing because sometimes I like to believe some boys are different. My friend also told me “you have to pick and choose who you want to entertain.” I chose to entertain him because of all the time that passed by with us “liking each other” but too scared to say something, so when we finally got to talking; it was all for nothing and I was better off crushing on him than I was paying him any mind. It’s sad when somebody just can’t have something with someone that doesn’t require something sexual. And it’s my fault for judging him in the first place. In this generation, you can’t put anything past nobody; you have to stay alert and open-minded at all times no matter what. It was wrong for me to sit there and think “oh he doesn’t look like the type that only wants to have sex” and as it turned out, he was. When things like this happen to me, I’m the one left stuck and in trouble because once I like you, I like you. Now I have to sit here every day, play it all off and try not to care. At the end of the day, I don’t, but I do because I thought he was different. And instead of people cheering me on and being shocked that someone my age is still a virgin; I get told things like “Nobody checking for virgins no more.” It’s like I’m out of style, or corny cause I’m still a virgin or something. There are no hard feelings, if he wants to talk again or even hang out one day, then okay so be it as long as he knows what it’s not “hitting” for. I’m interested in seeing where “this” goes, all I can do is be patient and wait it out, and that’s if there’s anything to even wait for…

Turning 21

            Almost two weeks ago, I turned 21 years old. I had the best weekend ever celebrating it. Thursday the family and I had a good time at dinner, and of course plenty of laughs. Friday was more like a girl’s night in which some of us had a quick dinner, and Saturday was the day we really all celebrated at a local bar/club. I wouldn’t have spent it any other way. This was by far the best birthday I have ever had.

            As I think about it, I realize some things about Turning 21. I sit and think to myself about all that I’ve accomplished, and realize that I’m doing pretty well for myself. I’m in college, I have a job, I’m healthy, and I have made some pretty good decisions regarding things like relationships and deciding to wait before I start having sex, and other decisions in my life overall. I would say that I have a pretty good hold on myself and know what I want out of life even though I’m only 21. One thing about me, I plan for the future. Not down to every little detail, but the most important things like graduating college, starting my career, establishing a career, maybe I’ll get married, maybe I won’t. But whatever does happen I’ll be prepared for it, and hopefully will be able to handle it like I have been. Turning 21 has made me realize I’m the only one that basically has complete control over me, my life, and my decisions. I don’t necessarily have to run to mommy all the time to help me with things, or worry about her approval or disapproval. Not that I’ll do anything to disappoint her, but she understands that I’ll end up making my own mistakes that I’ll have to learn from, and of course she’ll be there if I need her. Being an official “grown woman”, is a little scary, I’ll admit it. I’m on my own now, and that’s a little scary but I’m ready to live and learn. After all, that’s what life is all about, right?

Hypocritical Cheaters

            I’ve been noticing and not understanding something that most people often try and defend and as well as justify. And it’s something called CHEATING. Hopefully you all know by now that this blog focuses on not only me, but this generation as well and how things are questionable; For instance, cheating. And to most of us we would not think a second thought of doing such to someone we are with and love, right? That’s what I thought. We already discussed what I think is a respectable, standard, real relationship and all that good stuff, but now it’s time to talk about people and some things they believe are right when there just wrong. It’s time to talk about something I like to call “Hypocritical Cheaters.”

First, let’s talk about cheating.

            Cheating to me is a poor excuse to purposely jeopardize something good you have with someone you obviously “somewhat” care about, because if you fully cared about them than you would have never jeopardized your relationship in the first place. People often call it an “accident”, or when their caught in the act, “it’s not what it looks like.” Well, cheating is never an accident, bumping into someone not knowing they were behind you is an accident, and seeing your boyfriend/girlfriend having sex with someone that’s not you, well that’s exactly what it looks like. I think cheating on your spouse, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend is wrong no matter how you may put it. You don’t belong in a relationship if you still plan on acting like your single. It’s just no way. You obviously got into a relationship from the beginning because you wanted to devote and dedicate all your time and energy to one person and one person only, so why would you waste time by cheating? Why people cheat is something I will never understand. I’ve bought this conversation up to someone and it leads me to my next point.

Cheating:Hypocrits

            So one day I was talking to someone (whose name I will not say), and we were talking about her and her boyfriend, and cheating happens to come up. She said something like “If your boyfriend isn’t paying you enough attention, its “alright” to cheat.” And so I suggested “That’s when you talk to him about how you feel.” And the whole conversation went on like that until I had to basically give up because she just kept going and justifying her position. My whole thing is, people in this generation often say one thing and then go do another, and that’s what a typical hypocrite is. Some girls complain about their boyfriends and how they know he has other females on the side, but they don’t do anything about it, and then they go out and have other boys on the side which is where I get confused. You complain and complain about him and his other girls, but you still stay, knowing what he’s doing and you go do the same thing. And that’s where this saying “two wrongs don’t make a right” comes into play but nobody seems to understand that anymore. Everyone screams they want someone loyal, but turns around and is untrustworthy. I never liked hypocrites, you can’t say one thing than do another, it’s just not right. So when it comes to being a hypocrite cheater, it’s just as wrong.

             Instead of working things out, some people rather sit there and do the same thing that’s being done to them. It’s like their trying to teach their own wrong lesson. And I’ve been told because I’m a still a virgin and “not out there,” I don’t understand. But that’s one thing about me, I do understand because I watch the people around me, I watch the mistakes they make, the choices they choose, and I analyze them, and I interpret them in my own ways and I learn from them. There’s nothing wrong with making a mistake, it’s what life is all about, but when you purposely make one, there’s no way you can justify it.

The Wait is Over

I think the best way for me to talk, share ideas, thoughts, opinions, and messages are to write them all down. I’m best at expressing myself through my writing. I’m able to fully think about what it is I want to say, view it from different aspects, and it’s also a way for me to have my audience understand what I’m saying. And I know I’ve been away from my blog for some time, but let’s all remember I’m a full time college student, with a new job, which happens to my first (smiles for ear to ear, its nothing like having your own money). But I think that me being away for this time, has allowed me to conduct some research, which means more writing and more blogs for you all to read and as well as to keep up with what's been going on. The research I’ve collected or should I say things that I have been through, has of course intrigued some thoughts and questions. However, these thoughts and further blogs have not been written yet. This is just let you all know they will be coming soon…very soon. So I hope you all stay interested and stay tuned. And like the purpose of this blog, to think for yourselves about what I go through, how I deal with it, and use it as an inspiration and guideline for some of the possible similarities you may have gone through. Look at it as a way to help you expand some of your thoughts on ways to help yourself. My goal here is to help girls that are like me deal with the everyday problems we face when it comes to life, love, and relationships, and to let you know you are not alone. We’re all in this together.